Real Life Bullying...How On Earth Do You Stop It?

We have all met a bully or someone who has been bullied.  Earlier this year I was invited to hear a presentation at the local high school on what to look for and what to do to stop a bully.  I listened with great interest but found no solution given to the age old problem of bullying.

With technology what it is today, bullying is not only in person but on the phone and over the internet.  Facebook has become a tool to express one’s opinion on their own pages and often send messages to the victim that are meant to taunt and hurt.  So what is the person being bullied supposed to do to stop it?  Oh the suggestions are many but often they don’t really stop the bully, or if they do it’s only because the bully has moved on to the next person they want to taunt.

 What does a parent suggest to their kids to do to stop the bullying? 

 Facebook and Formspring are on almost every teenager’s computer!  It is amazing how tough a person can become behind a keyboard.  Formspring is a venue to ask anonymous questions on a person’s profile with no fear of anyone knowing who you are unless you want them to.  I would firmly suggest not having a Formspring page unless you are up for some ridiculous questions being asked or statements thrown your way.  It does give you the power to delete any question.   I suggest you use it if the question is in any way detrimental or insulting if you insist on having this page.

 Facebook does give you the power to block anyone you want.  I would highly suggest that option be used if someone is giving you a hard time.  The less access the bully has the less chance they can bully or insult.  BUT this won’t normally stop it!  If the bully is determined…they will find another way.

 Cell phones…ahhh the thrill of the bully to text the person they have targeted!  Try first to just ignore them.  Don’t reply…I know it’s hard but tell your kids to ignore them.  SOMETIMES if you ignore them they go away!  SOMETIMES!

If the bully repeatedly texts or calls with the wonderful tool of call block it’s time to block that number on the child’s phone.  It may cost you but do it!  It will cease any communication over the phone.

 Okay now you may have gotten rid of the bully if technology is the only access the bully has to your child or if you are lucky the bully has gotten bored since you’ve set up these roadblocks. But what about everyday life?  What is a parent supposed to advise their kid if the bullying is on the street, the park and most usually in school?  This is where most of the bullying occurs.  In person…front and center…meant to annoy, humiliate and insult!

 Who is a bully?  What does the bully really want?  Who does the bully target for their shenanigans?

 A bully is someone who believes they can hassle someone and get away with it!  They don’t want someone standing toe to toe with them and for that reason they will pick on the good kids.  Kids who don’t want to get in any trouble in school or any legal trouble.  A bully is someone looking for attention.  They aren’t getting it and don’t care at this point if it’s good attention or bad.  They just want the world to see them and they don’t seem to care what we see as long as we notice them.  I would think that SOME of them are lacking something in themselves so they have the need to lash out.  

I wonder how many of them are being ignored by overworked parents or parents who are simply done parenting.  I realize that SOME kids who bully have very good parents.  I realize that SOME parents of kids who bully take this very seriously and are proactive in finding a way to resolve it and I applaud them.  I wonder what the self esteem level is for some of these bullies.  I imagine very low.

 Girl bullying is very different than boys.  Boys tend to argue or battle it out and move on.  Girls ….sadly..they love the drama!  They love to do the texting, blocked calls, writing nastiness on buses or bathroom doors, spreading rumors and sometimes eventually physical violence. 

 Now lets say the bullying is face to face in school.  Lets say the bully is relentlessly taunting  a student and threatening them with  physical harm.    Here is what the Centennial school district’s policy says:

Bullying

Bullying among students is defined as intentional, repeated, hurtful acts, words or other behavior, such as name-calling, threatening, and/or shunning, committed by one or more students against another. These negative acts are not intentionally provoked by the victims, and for such acts to be defined as bullying, an imbalance in real or perceived power must exist between the bully and the victim. We recognize five types of bullying.

• Physical Bullying includes punching, poking, strangling, hair pulling, beating.

• Verbal Bullying includes such acts as hurtful name-calling, teasing and gossip.

• Emotional Bullying includes rejecting, terrorizing, extorting, defaming, humiliating, blackmailing, rating/ranking of personal characteristics, manipulating friendships, isolating, and ostracizing and peer pressure.

• Sexual Bullying includes many of the actions listed above, as well as exhibitionism, voyeurism, sexual propositioning, sexual harassment and abuse involving actual physical contact and sexual assault.

• Cyber Bullying occurs when a person is bullied, harassed, humiliated, threatened, embarrassed, or targeted in some way by another person through the use of Internet, cell phones and other forms of digital technology.

Victims of Bullying

If you are being bullied, or if you perceive that another student is being bullied, it is important to do something to address the situation in a positive way. Speak to a teacher, school counselor, assistant principal, or staff person who will guide you and help you. Feeling safe and being safe are necessary in a safe and peaceable school.

Anger and Conflict

What can you do if you feel upset/angry and simply need a few moments to express yourself so that you may avoid and prevent further conflict leading to discipline consequences? Check in with your assistant principal or school counselor. In this situation, the office of your assistant principal or school counselor is a safe haven. Here, you can stop, think, act and review the situation.

Fighting

The school endorses and promotes the value of nonviolence. There is no acceptance of physical or verbal violence directed at others. Students who have the opportunity to avoid a fight but who then fight in school, on school grounds or vehicles, or when traveling to or from school, will be suspended from school, and charges may be filed with the Warminster Police Department. It is the obligation and responsibility of every person in the school to avoid physical confrontations and to de-escalate conflicts, not contribute to them. Accordingly, if you find yourself being threatened or harassed by another, you should report this situation to an administrator. To assist students in their efforts to resolve conflicts peaceably, Tennent offers several avenues for conflict resolution: school counselors, assistant principals, or programs that use restorative practices. A student who is experiencing an interpersonal conflict that is likely to escalate into fighting or other inappropriate behavior is expected to seek assistance from these sources. The penalty for fighting is a minimum of five (5) days out-of-school suspension and police contact.

Simply put this puts the burden of  avoiding conflict and physical harm on the child who is being taunted and bullied!  Lets face it the bully is looking for attention and this is sure to attract some attention if the situation arises to a physical confrontation.

Over the last year and a half I have had the unpleasant opportunity to experience some interaction with the high school regarding bullying.  I am floored at the way most of the situations have been handled. 

On the advice of one assistant principal @ William Tennent if the bully hits another student I was told the victim should “curl up in a ball.”  Yup…you heard me…curl up in a ball so no physical interaction is taken by the victim. If the victim even pushes the aggressor off….they both get the same punishment.  Usually 3 -5 days suspension.  Now what is wrong with this picture?

I believe SOME  of the administrators understand this is ridiculous but they feel their hands are tied due to the policy.  I have to wonder who the heck came up with this policy and why it doesn’t allow for a case by case basis?  I’m assuming it’s all about the liability.  Even if your child is relentlessly bullied for months and the school knows it if the victim hits back or pushes the offender off..it’s suspension for both!

If a fight breaks out in school the administrators look for the inevitable witness!  Very few want to get involved and most say they saw nothing.  The ones who offer their assistance willingly are often the friends of the aggressor and try to sway the odds in their friend’s behavior to avoid becoming one of their targets!  Often kids keep their mouth shut cause they are thankful the bully hasn’t turned their attention on them and others keep silent because it really isn’t cool to be a rat!

Now in my home I encourage my kids to look out for the kids who are being picked on or bullied.  Even a few simple words from another kid may put a bully off track and often give the victim the encouragement to stand up for themselves.  If my kid is being bullied I do encourage them to stand up for themselves.  Crude remarks can be ignored, taunts can be walked away from but for how long?  These kids are only human.  I teach my kids to never, ever throw that first punch and to never pick on someone but if someone hits one of them they have the right to protect themselves and I’ll be damned if I’ll teach my kid to curl up in a ball for anyone!

So what this policy teaches good kids is if you are hit…..do what you have to do…make it count and hopefully the bully learns to leave you alone.  You might as well defend yourself….you’re going to be punished right along side the bully anyway!

As for the bully I would think that SOME of them are lacking something in themselves so they have the need to lash out.  They seek attention whether good or bad.  I wonder how many of them are being ignored by overworked parents or parents who are simply done parenting.  I realize that SOME kids who bully have very good parents.  I realize that SOME parents of kids who bully take this very seriously and are proactive in finding a way to resolve it and I applaud them.  I wonder what the self esteem level is for some of these bullies.  I imagine very low.

Now I’m sure most of you have feelings on this and I’d love to hear them!  What would you tell your child to do if someone bullied them?  How would you tell your child to react if someone hit them?  How did you handle bullies while you were growing up?